Daily Must Haves
What elements in your life would your day feel incomplete without?
-I think the biggest one of mine would be spending time with my husband. It was awful when he was trucking. But even then, we talked on the phone for hours each day. It just doesn’t feel right, not being able to touch him, hear his voice, argue with him, make faces at him, snuggle with him. I’m even enjoying working with him. (Most of the time. Other times I contemplate my hand tools as possible blunt instruments.) Without him as part of my daily routine, things are never right.
-Spending time with animals. Between our dogs, cats, and farm animals (growing population of), I am in close interaction with animals all day long. They often even wait outside the bathroom door, or sometimes follow me into the bathroom. My cat Rexy is going on his 4th year working on getting up enough courage to get into the shower with me. As this year progresses, more and more of my time will be devoted towards caring for our livestock and sundry animals.
-Talking to or texting with my boyfriend Tim. (How can the spellcheck dictionary not have “texting” in it???) Whether it’s a few texts or hours and hours of texts and phone calls, each day must now have some sort of interaction with him. I’ve come to depend on it. Also, the constant reminders of how much it pisses me off that the whole “teleportation in the new century” thing was fraudulent advertising is a normal part of my day now. (The spellcheck dictionary also does not have “teleportation” in it.)
-Saying hello to the world. Going out under the moon, basking in the sun, singing to my plants or thinking to them while I water them, walking outside barefoot, savouring the smell of the woods. Without reaffirming my connection to the world around me, I feel dirtier, crankier, more tired, something. Opening myself to it blows away the dust and cobwebs inside me.
-Texting or emailing one of my best friends, Hellion. It’s become so much a normal part of my day, it’s noticeable when it’s gone. Even though the majority of our communications normally involve assassins, zombies, furries, movies, music, spiders, snakes, cults, secret organizations, HP Lovecraft and Warhammer 40,000 references, and only a small percentage of any information that actually makes any sense, it’s something I value, and something else I have come to depend on.
Like this:
My ducks don’t quack.
Duck names!!!
Ok. So I currently have two ducks with no names.
This is John Duck and Jane Duck. Help me find names for them! The videos aren’t very interesting, and I wasn’t able to really record the quirky sounds Muscovy ducks make. Eventually I will. But these videos will give you a glimpse of them.
So give me name suggestions!
Like this:
Dear Adventure Journal: I gots ducks. That’s rights. Ducks.
Dear Adventure Journal:
Last week, I got the start of my Muscovy duck flock. One male, one female. (That’s all they had left to sell.) I had been calling around trying to find someone who had Muscovy ducks for sale, and finally found a local Amish family with a flock. So mom and I went out there to see if they had any. I didn’t think to bring a kennel or anything, because I was under the impression we were just on a fact-finding mission.
Well, I should have known better. They had one female left for sale, probably from late last year. All the ducklings had been sold, and most of the adult females. They still had plenty of adult males for sale. Mom decides that since they’re so close to selling out, we need to get my ducks that day. Which I was pretty stoked about, because I was afraid they’d sell the last female before we came back.
So one of the family sons grabs a net and goes chasing after the females, who are hiding under a livestock trailer. The family herding dog decides she needs to help, desperately. With much gusto. And zest. And barking. After a few minutes of the four of us running around (The Amish kid, myself, my mom, and the dog) he nets a pretty pure white female. I hand the female off to mom, so I can help catch the male, but the males are just kind of….sitting around in the sun. It takes about 20 seconds for the kid to net the male. I got a splotchy black and white male.
Of course, they had ran out of boxes. One box left. (One of the family businesses is a bakery, the only bakery in town.) So we put the male in the box. (In the videos, if you see an empty box, that’s the one the male rode home in.) We had no choice but for me to hold the female on the short trip home.
In case you have never handled birds before, they only need about .3 seconds before they poop on you.
We paid for the ducks. I climbed into the car, knowing I was going to get pooped on.
It took about .2 seconds for her to poop on me. I had no more than settled in and a horrible, wet ppbbbbbbtttttt sound emitted from the ducks rear end, and a disgustingly warm and wet feeling went down my front. And down my pants.
Oh. Gods.
So I got to spend the next 10 minutes (if that, but it felt like eternity) trying really hard not to think about what was on me, while I made faces at the duck. Mom got to spend the next 10 minutes waffling between EWWWW and laughing at my predicament. Because my mother is evil like that.
We got home, got them in the temporary pen (since we’re still momentarily in town) and I hurried up and changed, then clipped their wings while Greg held them. We’ll be moving back to the farm this week, so next molt we’ll leave their wings alone. We just don’t want them flying out of the pen here, particularly since the dog pen is right next to it. At the farm, we’ll have a free-ranging duck flock. Devouring mosquitoes and ticks, and laying eggs.
Things to Bitch About
This is me. And the book I won in a drawing over at Makya McBee’s wordpress. http://makyamcbee.wordpress.com/
It’s written? Edited? Compiled? by A.S. Newman and P.C. Trauth, and published by TNA Books.
Inside is a fabulous book of writing prompts. The intro to the book is as follows:
“Dear Free-Thinker,
Sometimes, we all need a place to vent about the things in life that drive us up the wall…
..Relationships…bad drivers…your boss…politics…the economy…
Family might not always agree with your point of view, friends may blow you off, but this book is here to fill the void, selflessly absorbing your anger, frustration, and headstrong opinions without passing judgement.
The format is simple: blank, lined pages with straightforward prompts. The bitch-worthy subjects are presented in an open-ended manner that gives you flexibility to voice your personal thoughts about them however you want. Write, draw, paste pictures on the pages of this book…it is an outlet to record your ideological, snarky, and opinionated views of the world right now.
Despite what some might say about bitching, expressing complaints and rants can actually improve your well-being by relieving stress and clarifying thoughts.
If nothing else, it’s cheaper than bitching to a therapist.
Sincerely, A Fellow Free-Thinker”
So, I think I will start using these as some of my writing prompts…. Not that I need to be prompted to bitch about something…
Like this:
Farm Update
Internet has been extremely unreliable for a few days now. It seems to be straightening out now.
Here’s the Farm Update-
-Mom has picked out two sheep, Shetland and Border crosses. Very cute. It was a surprise to the rest of us.
-Greg has been working his networking ass off trying to find all the equipment we need. He already acquired a plow for us. It’s a John Deere plow, made somewhere between 1929 and 1931. We’re just about done refurbishing it, so new pics will be posted soon. This is what it looked like when he got it home:
-My mom was talking to her sister, my Aunt Vicki, who lives in New Hampshire. Aunt Vicki was saying how sad it was we live so far away, because they have a tractor that’s just been sitting at her father-in-law’s place for 8 years, since they sold their acreage. Mom told us about it in passing, thinking there was no way we could get it. But she didn’t factor in that paying for gas and such to drive out to go get a free tractor is still several thousand dollars cheaper than any of the reasonably priced tractors we’ve found so far.
So, tomorrow hopefully (provided we can get ahold of Greg’s buddy who has the trailer) we’ll be leaving out for New England. The tractor itself is a 1957 Ford 600. Should look something like this:
They’re giving us a brush hog and disc and bucket with it. We get to accessorize.
-Soil test was sent in through MSU County Extension on Friday. We already have a general idea about the soil quality and composition. (We know we need to add lime before planting, and clay after harvest.) We already have a plan for increasing soil fertility over the next several years. (No chemical fertilizers. We are a transitional organic farm. Or we will be, once we fill out the damn paperwork.) The soil test will give us specific numbers and levels of different elements, so we can fine tune our plan.
-Tomato seedlings are sprouting. Still waiting for the final two deliveries of seed packages. Need to drive up to the greenhouse nursery and check out their lavender plants, to see if we need to order from them or through the company in Toronto that sells the varieties we want. Next week we should be putting up the hoophouse (a few weeks behind schedule, mainly because everything else is taking TOO DAMN LONG. Tomato plants will be planted mainly in the ginormous hoophouse.
-Been planning out the extremely extensive kitchen garden, about an acre’s worth. Can’t do much til we knock trees down from the area, mainly dead stands and popple trees. Several trees will be left standing. The design is predominantly based on permaculture theories. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Permaculture
-As a side note, the word “ginormous” passed the spell check, but permaculture didn’t.
Like this:
Adventure Journal- Coyote!
As I stepped out of the outhouse yesterday afternoon, I heard large animals moving through the trees, about 50 yards to my left. I stepped forward, trying to see what it was, and heard a coyote yip. I shouted at Lu to come out of the camper, and saw four very large deer bounding away, arcing around camp. The coyote yipped more, and I tracked its chase in my head, listening to the periodic yips.
Lu and I decided to see if we could track it, just for the hell of it. So he put his boots on and we grabbed our handguns (just in case. Sometimes a small coyote pack will hunt together with only one sounding off) and set off. Lu told me to find the trail. I gestured out my mental map of the sounds, and went to where I was pretty sure it started. I paced around for a bit, waffling. Lu told me to stop over thinking it. My sense of hearing had already told me where everything was. I grumbled, reviewed my mental map, and set off on where I thought the trail would have gone. A few yards later, we found the divots in the soil and pine needles where the deer had shoved off the ground. Score!
Parts of the ground were still covered in snow, some were down to just the soil and pine needle blanket. When a deer is fleeing, there can be up to 8-10 feet between tracks. Coyotes rarely leave tracks. Unless it’s in fresh mud.
So using a combination of intuition, my sound map, a certain degree of understanding of our prey, and previous tracking experience, we followed the trail several hundred yards through the woods. Lu sometimes just followed me, sometimes helped grid search. Eventually we lost the trail. That would be sometime during the snowy part of the trail, where crusty snow was up to the middle of my shins, and getting packed into my sneakers. That hurts, by the way.
I stood there for a minute, then yelled at the ever present-crows. “If you help me find this trail again, I promise you part of our next kill!”
Within about ten seconds, one of them started doing their “Look at me! Look at me!” caws. We set off toward it, and about fifty yards ahead and a few yards to the north, got to where the crow had sounded off. There was the trail. Seriously.
We followed it through to the driveway, where we found the tracks in the muddy driveway. Unfortunately, the coyote had chased the deer into the neighbor’s property.
So we will definitely be giving the crows part of our next kill. Lu talked about how difficult it is for people to track based on sound like that. I was pretty proud of myself. And it was a lot of fun. On our way back to camp we had fun stalking partridge and trying to walk quietly in mud, crunchy snow, ice, and dried moss and grass.
Camp Review!
Lu and I had left camp several weeks ago, supposedly for a few days, then back for a couple days, before coming into town for a few weeks while Lu worked a part time trucking job. Well, the few days ended up being several weeks, and we’re still going to be in town for at least one more week.
Yesterday we headed back out to camp to check on things. We hadn’t set camp up to be left alone that long. We had gotten quite a bit of bad weather while we were gone as well.
When we drove up our road we saw three turkeys in one of the neighbor’s property. First turkeys we have seen since we got the property late last fall.
The driveway was terribly muddy. Once full spring hits, it’s going to be a nightmare. The hay field was spotted with muddy areas, with some snowy spots left.
I had done a little bit of witchy protection stuff before we left, but I still worried about what condition camp would be in. I needn’t have worried. Camp ended up being in remarkably good condition. Tarps were down, which was expected. A few things got water damaged. I had forgotten a bag of bird feed in the mess tent. The squirrels kindly took care of it for me.
The camper was just as we left it, if a little musty. We had a few run-ins before we left, so we were afraid they had spent the entire time gnawing our clothes and books. Amazingly, the mice did not chew up our clothes. They left all of my stuff alone. However, you could see exactly what part of the bed shelf had my things on it, and what was Lu’s. They had ignored my things, aside from shoving dog food and paper into my boots. Greg’s half of the shelf, however, was covered in mouse poop. There was a perfect dividing line down the middle. The other bed shelf was all his stuff as well, except five books at the end. They ignored the books totally, and pooped all over the rest of the shelf.
Evidently my protection stuff needs a bit of reworking
Poly for the Mono-Minded Person (by Jason Klueber)
TL;DR version: It’s possible for monogamously minded people to have successful relationships with polyamorous folk, but it requires hard work and some pretty special people to make it work in the long run.
(TL;DR)^2: http://xkcd.com/592/
A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY[1]…
…a boy fell in love with a girl.
The boy was the geeky variant of a player; hopping from bed to bed as opportunity allowed because he didn’t think he could find (or deserved) long term happiness. The girl just wanted a fling and planned to settled down with someone else.
However, when the fling happened, something changed for both of them.
The boy realized that this was a girl he could be happy with in the long term… even if he did not feel that he could be monogamous. The girl didn’t think an open relationship could work for her, but… she thought the boy might be worth trying for[2].
They married two years later.
Not surprisingly, I was that boy.
I talked with my now-wife for two years before I started dating other women. We worked out rules- byzantine, draconian rules- for How We Do Poly. I have had more failed relationships than I care to count at this point– and I do mean failed: nobody was happy and I never speak to them anymore. I’ve also had successful relationships, ones that lasted or at least mellowed into friendship. Some of my relationships have been with monogamously minded people. Those relationships have always been tricky… but often fulfilling.
There are two big questions that people have when this topic comes up. One is “why would anyone do this?” The other is “how do you make it work?”
Why would a monogamous person involve themselves in a poly situation? Why would a poly person try to have a relationship with a monogamous person? There’s a few basic reasons I’ve seen in practice:
- We love who we love/we want who we want. Sometimes, it’s just that simple; being with someone you care about becomes more important than having them to yourself.
- Some people are weird. If you’re in the mainstream, finding a mainstream partner isn’t necessarily hard. But if you’re looking for someone off the beaten path, there aren’t as many out there… that are attractive to you… and available… and think you’re hot shit, too.
- Loneliness. Sometimes, people give up on finding anyone and “go where the fish are biting.” The poly community is pretty full of people who are open to new relationships, so if you want a new relationship it might be an attractive option.
What’s the right answer here? I’d say that accepting the direction of our hearts/loins and acting on them responsibly[3] is healthy behavior, and that settling for someone who either happens to meet your fetishes or just plain has a pulse is less than healthy. But it might be healthier for you as a monogamous person than loneliness, so it’s a tough call. Your mileage may vary and all that– plus, it might change over time. My wife learned that she was poly, but only after years of living the relationship. A couple of my former lovers have said, “Nope, I really can’t do it” very quickly.
I’ve had a few relationships as a poly man with mono partners. The ones that have worked out best for me have been with women[4] who were their own people; their sense of self never resided in me. Thus if I was not paying attention to them at a given moment, the world was not ending.
When people ask me about entering a polyamorous relationship when they feel like they should be monogamous, I often catch a whiff of turbulent emotion along with the questions. They’ve already started to fall for someone… but the person they want to be with is poly. Along with “Should I do this?” they’re asking me “How the hell do I do this? How can I commit to someone who isn’t committing to me? How do I not feel like a member of a faceless harem[5]?”
There’s no easy answer to any of these questions. What is required is, as Hercule Poirot would say, order and method, and the proper use of the grey cells. You need to reflect on what you need and what you’re willing to give up to get it… if anything.
For example, what kinds of monogamy do you need? What can you let go of? There are three axes of monogamy:
- Practical
- Emotional
- Sexual
Practical encompasses all the details of life- shared finances, child care, “married couple” stuff. Emotional and sexual are exactly what they sound like- can you deal with your partner having friendships/loving relationships with other people but sex is a problem? Is it easier if they’re “only” having sex with them, but they shouldn’t get attached?
Be prepared to communicate, communicate, communicate. And when you’re done communicating, be ready to do a bit more[6]. Besides the basic things you need to negotiate with ANY relationship…
Personal Limits:
- Do you want to hear about your partner’s partners?
- Are you okay with your partner calling/texting/emailing his other partners[7] when with you?
- Do you want to meet your partner’s partners?
- Do you want to be physically involved with your partner’s partners? Under what circumstances[8]?
- How much time together do you need? Does your partner have the time for you?
- What does commitment mean to you? What does it mean to your partner? Are these two ideas compatible? Can a compromise be reached?
- What do you need to feel safe and secure in your relationship? What can your partner do to help you feel this way?
Relationship Contract:
- Latex rules
- STD testing
- How will your partner let you know that there’s someone new? What kind of say do you have in these decisions?
As part of my preparation for writing this post, I took the time to speak to several people who are monogamously minded but are or have been in polyamorous situations.
One had questions for me:
How can I know everyone’s needs are being met?
You can’t. The best you can do is keep track of your own, communicate them openly and honestly, and listen when your partners are talking to you.
Do I need to compartmentalize my emotions about one person when I’m with another?
I compartmentalize for two reasons: practicality or politeness. It’s impossible to tell my wife everything because it’s impossible; but I don’t hide anything from her. Other partners have asked me not to overshare about frolicking with others, and I respect that out of politeness. Gauge the needs of the relationship and act with love and integrity.
I hate the word “secondary”. Is there another word?
Sure. Boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, lover, fuckbuddy, ummfriend, Dom, sub, Master, slave, playmate, toy… I find “secondary” to be a useful term only in technical discussions about relationship structure and theory; I think it’s an absolutely cold and soulless word when used in an emotional context. “Honey, I love you kinda. Would you be my secondary?”
Fuck that noise.
One long time poly woman noted that while mono/poly relationships are possible[9], there should probably be a “closed” period up front while the relationship stabilizes. I… mostly agree with this advice, though I hesitate to present it as a Sacred Law(tm). Once again, your mileage may vary.
Two women who have been the mono partner in working mono/poly relationships gave me personal statements I’d like to share here:
One wrote, “Truly loving someone, to me, means loving them unconditionally. Poly is as much a part of your loved one as their religion, sports affiliation, or spending habits, it’s part of what makes them who they are and someone you love…. Keep in mind that his/her time isn’t completely their own either. They may have another partner, or partners, who will have needs of their own. I’m not saying take whatever scraps you’re thrown, again communicate your needs honestly. It may be that their situation isn’t right for you, in which case release them with love and move on. When things work out though? It is wonderful, magnificent, and worth every minute, as all good relationships are.”
Another wrote, “If you are mono and thinking about dating someone who is poly you have to find out what is important to you. And you have to be completely honest about it. If you have jealous tendencies then it probably won’t work. If you need a lot of time with someone it probably won’t work. You also have to be able to clearly communicate limitations. If you don’t want to know about the other women you have to be able to let them know that or you might sign yourself up for an uncomfortable evening when he wants to have all his ladies over for a sleep over… The bottom line is honesty and communication. As long as you can clearly explain any hesitations you have then it is a relationship that can work.”
In my opinion, it’s a hard row to hoe, and it’s not for everyone. With the right people and a bit of hard work, there’s no reason that it can’t be a happy situation.
–
[1] 17 years ago in Louisville.
[2] Either he was cute or she was drunk. Not sure.
[3] http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9l1R-t5jzLw
[4] I’m a heterosexual male dominant. I’m writing from my point of view. Please feel free to reframe to include your preferences; that’s not my job.
[5] Unless that’s your kink, in which case feel free to message me privately to arrange a personal interview.
[6] And more. With daytimers. Anyone have an extra pen? http://mustbetuesday.com/music/myboyfriendsgirlfrie…
[7] …trolling for a new partner on Fetlife/OKCupid/Collarme…
[8] Are you open to it at all? How about on my birthday? What if you’re REALLY drunk and she’s REALLY cute and it’s just this one time, honey, please?
[9] To which I would add that focusing on people who live on St James Place, Tennessee Ave, or New York Ave will increase the amount you earn in rent vs the money spent on improvements.
Culture and Language
Today I found out about National Geographic’s Enduring Voices Project [i], via Geeks are Sexy[ii]. It is National Geographic’s contribution to saving the languages of the world.
According to the site, one of the world’s 7,000 languages dies every fourteen days. Twice a month, a language dies. The binding glue of a culture fades away. It is thought that by 2100, half of those 7,000 languages will be dead and gone.
That is a thoroughly depressing thought.
We create a culture any time a group interacts within itself for an extended period of time, and the group becomes stable enough to have accepted modes of communication, expected forms of behavior.
Those are the basics of culture. The “higher” forms of culture develop when mere survival is not enough. The human need for expression will find outlets. When life is settled enough to permit activities outside of bare survival, the arts, crafts, and additional trades develop. Words and gestures used for basic needs evolve into a language that contains all the culture’s words about art, each other, emotions, needs, desires, fears, and hopes.
Language, along with a society’s customs and traditions, codes of behavior, arts and literature, religion, government, and economy, forms the culture and identity of a group. Language is the living history of a people. A language can give hints, or blazing neon signs, of how that societal group progressed, how they lived, how they died. What obstacles they often came up against, how they triumphed, how they mourned are all hidden within their language. As the group continues through history, the language shifts, encompassing new obstacles, new miracles, new modes of thought, other cultures they have encountered.
To be without culture means that group has either been absorbed or conquered by another culture, or is a milling group of humans with no purpose outside of eating and drinking enough to continue living.
When a conquering army subjugates another people, the most effective and efficient victors begin by stripping the conquered people of anything that can tie those people together as a group. Symbols of their culture, things that give them hope.
- First, you must deny them their artistic expression. Music is one of the first to go. Take away their drums, their bagpipes, whatever tools of soul and life they have.
- Those in native forms of dress must be discouraged, or outright punished. Take away their outer expression of self.
- Deny them self-governance. Rule over them, forbid them any decision making powers in their own lives. Make them into children who need to be led.
- One of the most effective is to punish them for speaking in their native tongue. Force them to speak the language of the conquerors. Continue doing so until their own language has faded from their minds.
- Educate them. Teach them that these new modes of existence are for their own good, their own salvation. By behaving in these new ways, their spouse, their children, their extended family, will all be safer, healthier, more spiritually pure.
To those who believe we should all speak one language, have one culture, or no culture, I ask, Have you not been paying attention to history?
- Hitler sought to unify all “worthy people” within one culture, and to destroy anything that would not fit within those culture’s rules and expectations.
- The Native Americans were decimated, each of their unique cultures burned and destroyed, survivors forced to live as one of the conqueror’s citizens.
- The Irish (and other Celtic groups to various extents) were deprived of their language, their music, their symbols and rites of honour and strength.
- The cultures of most African tribes were vilified, marginalized, and harassed as mechanisms of control by those in power.
Rather than demanding the destruction and loss of the myriad colourful and amazing cultures found around the world in the pursuit of some Global Peace and Understanding, instead we should celebrate the wondrous differences found across the span of humanity. Though there is a tricky balance to be maintained. “My group is pretty damn great” should never end up, “Any group that is not mine is worthless.” This balance, however, is well worth the conscious effort it takes to be self-aware of our treatment and attitudes towards other cultures.
So don’t be a jerk. Celebrate life and all the wonders found where humans gather.
[ii] http://www.facebook.com/geeksaresexy Because it’s true. We are.
